After Taylor Swift finished "Shaking it Off" in Times Square, the toasts, the smooches, and the confetti, the ball dropped, and the year listed at the end of the date read a number none of had lived before. 2015.
A short 9 days ago, the slate was wiped clean as billions cheered, "Happy New Year!" A phrase holding hope and promise for so many. A chance to start over. A chance to get it right this time.
I have been fickle throughout my lifetime in the making and completion of New Year's resolutions. Last year, I completed 1 out of 5 of my resolutions, and I honestly couldn't tell you what the other 4 were verbatim. However due to the one completed goal, I entered 2015 credit card debt free (thanks to good ole Dave Ramsey, prayer and diligence), so I feel ok with letting the other goals slip aside.
This year, I, once again, made several goals including reading more books (one down so far), using more postage stamps, and enrolling in some cake decorating classes to name a few. Though I hope to and plan on completing these goals in the next calendar year, these types of goals don't exactly weigh on my soul. Maybe the cake decorating one would if I was Martha Stewart, but I'm not. If something happens, and I can't make it, I think I will still be able to sleep at night. Maybe that is the reason I chose them.
If I'm being honest, New Year's resolutions stress me out. Not the kind I listed but ones more on the serious side. More precisely, the fears of failure and inadequacy stress me out. Too often, when the new year rolls around, I find myself dwelling on all the things I didn't do, all the areas in which I have fallen short. You dropped off on scripture memory a few months early. You slipped an said and thought things about people you shouldn't have. You were too selfish with your time. What toned stomach? You probably could have spent a little more time in prayer. You are so far from who you said you wanted to become.
When given a goal, I want to complete it. Perfectly. You say I have to take a test? I want to know all of the material before I sit down so I can answer each question correctly. If someone gives me instructions, I won't conveniently skip over step 3. In most instances, I will most likely double check to see if my t's are crossed and my i's are dotted.
This thought process seems to not be isolated to New Year's Eve. Too often, I find myself tying my worth in so many areas of my life - i.e. being a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, an aunt, a small group leader, a mentor - to doing. The enemy tells me if I don't do enough, call enough, excel enough, that I am not enough. You are loved in your successes, but are you sure your failures don't make them value you less? You let them down. You failed. They noticed. They won't forget. The enemy is a vicious chatterbox.
Though a merit based life seems to fit in a box of humanness and my desire for control, the Lord gently reminds me that this is not the life he has called me to.
It is far too easy to look at all we are not and the things we seemed to have missed in the scuffle of the previous year. Though my yearly goals change, some underlying hopes and dreams remain the same. I truly hope to grow in my relationship with the Lord each year and become more of the woman He has made me to be. I hope to make more of an impact for Him and learn to show His love a little better. Slip ups and struggles don't mean failure in the Lord's eyes. The enemy battles to tell me differently.
When the new year comes, I feel pressure to become the perfect idea of a Christian woman I have in my head. Pressure to never miss a quiet time, spend more time praying than any other activity, and to never have a negative thought. I find myself in fear that I will disappoint those around me and even more so disappoint the Lord.
A dear friend introduced me to a gospel centered daily devotional to use in the upcoming year. As always, the Lord knows just what I need to see and hear. I am so thankful he uses people in my life to point me back toward Him when I look away.
Nearly every day since I started these daily devotionals, a common theme...in this book, in conversations, and in scripture keeps popping out at me. Grace.
On New Year's Eve, the devotional I read talked about the end of the year marking a time when we are expected to make a goal that will in one epic moment of decisiveness and resolve, change our life (talk about timing).
This devotional reminded me that change in character to be more like Christ isn't reliant on one dramatic moment or resolution...how commitment is important and essential, but the change and transformation itself is made up of more mundane little moments. The little moments in our days, weeks, months, and years are what comprise the changes that the Lord works within us. Little moments of grace. Constant offerings and reminders of the price Christ paid and the gift he gave us of neverending grace in salvation. Making the choice in the moments of our days to choose prayer over worry and thankfulness and praise over discontentment.
Choosing to be transformed by Christ doesn't mean never messing up. I think it is recognizing that we will mess up and being reminded that we need the grace God gives us with each breath we take to change and grow.
"Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given." John 1:16
Choosing to live for Christ isn't a call to perfectionism, it's a call to waking up each day and choosing Christ, choosing to seek him in both the mundane moments and the monumental ones. It's recognizing that slip ups aren't moments where we lose God's favor, but moments where we can be reminded of his grace and our need for him as he lovingly draws us back to Him.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
This year I pray the Lord will continually tune my heart sing His grace. I pray He will give me peace and strength to choose Him in the little moments and daily be growing to become not a perfect woman, but one who's heart's desire is to follow Him and share his love with others. I pray that I can find rest and trust in that fact that the Lord will never stop loving and working on me. He will be transforming my heart to be more like His each day I seek Him.
Lord, please teach me to block out the lies of the enemy that tell me to strive for perfection and dwell on failures. Teach me to rest in your grace and the promise that your sacrifice is what covers all of my shortcomings. Remind me that I need your grace and nothing else. Let the voice of your grace sing out above all other voices. Let this be a year full of moments where I see your face and choose to follow your voice. Amen.
"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:25-26
A new blog from Kelly Marie - YAY! :) Congrats on being credit card debt free - that's awesome!! And I love your thoughts and the focus on grace here. I struggle with perfectionism too, with being hard on myself for being "so far from who I said I wanted to become," as you said. It's good to remember God's grace and that we can rest in Him and know He will transform us little by little rather than all at once!
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