You're so quiet.

In high school during a group project after school, I remember someone in my group looking at me and asking, "So Kelly, what do you do in your spare time? Do you sit an read books all the time?" In my 17 year old mind, they might as well have asked me if I lived under a rock and had no friends."You're just so quiet, I just assumed."

Are any of my introvert friends out there? Can you relate? Meet me one on one to discuss the topic, and I'm sure anyone listening in would call us anything but quiet.

If you want to get under my skin, that's a sure fire way to do it. "Why are you being so quiet?... You're so quiet...Are you ok? You are being quiet." The variations are endless. So are the responses that have run through my head through the years I would have liked to spout out, but didn't. Thank goodness I have a healthy respect for social graces and kept my mouth shut 95 percent of the time. They say the quiet ones are the ones you have to watch out for, and I have to tell you there may be some truth in that statement.

What about the other 5 percent of the time, you ask? I'll just tell you are met with nothing but a blank stare by responding to such a question by saying something to the extent of "How do you want me to respond to that? I'll try to save you some trouble and tell you that you probably should never ask someone that. I don't ask you why you are the way you are."

Through the years, as I have grown in age and confidence, I would like to say that I give less reason for the peanut gallery to issue a "quiet" blanket statement my way, but I know that the introverted part of my personality will always lend for those comments every once in a while. But I'm okay with that. Ask me now if I read books all the time, and I probably would take it as a compliment instead of an insult. I am the first to admit that I prefer listening to talking in most instances, especially in a large group of people, not because I am unhappy, but because that is really what I like to do. I probably won't work a crowd at a party, and I definitely am not going to work to speak over someone in most cases. I can talk your ear off one on one, and there really isn't much I enjoy more than sitting in silence outside near some flowers or some water. I may be thrown into the "quiet" category, but that is right where I want to be. It works for me, and I wouldn't change who I am or was created to be.

But the truth is, I'm not always quiet. At least my heart isn't. My heart is loud.

My small group's  discussion topic a few weeks ago was discontentment. One of the questions posed asked us to list everything it would take to make us never be discontent again. The lists were real and honest and included things ranging from endless money, unrestricted travel vouchers, marriage, children and homes that give Pinterest a run for its money.

When I made my personal list earlier that week, I realized it was hard to be honest with myself on that topic, let alone with other people. As I began to write, I saw in front of me all of the things I selfishly want. Things about my future, things about my present, things about my appearance, things about my relationships, and things about my personality. All the categories were covered. And all the things.

And there my list sits in the back of my mind, too often pushing its way to the front, blocking out the things that are right in front of me. I let these things, these wants, and these desires fill my heart. These noisy desires slowly but surely overtake the quiet peace that God places in my heart when I trust in Him.

In the homework for the Bible study for that week, there was a quote that stood out to me.

"Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion, other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter.... A quiet heart is content with what God gives." Elisabeth Elliot

I want that. I want my heart to be quiet in the eyes of the Lord. I want His quiet peace to cover my heart, not the constant pattering of my earthly desires. How do we get there? 

“Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now." Elisabeth Elliot

I seek for this "quiet" in so many places. If I get this...If I reach this point...If I understand this...
The list goes on. The search is loud. It's unsettling. Sometimes it keeps me awake. Sometimes it is all I can hear. It's anything but quiet. Control. Wants. Future. Plans. Lists. Worries. These beats of the heart are constant if not quelled. 

The message at church this morning was on gratefulness. The pastor talked about not letting what we want rob us of what we have and turning every blessing from the Lord back into praise. 

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things..." Psalm 103:2-5

I know a quiet heart can't be found outside of peace, trust, and gratefulness in the Lord. I have done my fair share of looking away from Him. A friend in my small group shared that same week about how she has started practicing thanking the Lord each day in her prayers, for small things and for big things. She challenged me, and I challenge you. 

“The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances." Elisabeth Elliot 

We are given so much, but still we look out for so much more. I know I don't practice gratitude in my prayer life nearly enough. However, when I do to think of all He has given me, the loud desires in my heart become nearly impossible to hear. Those loud thumps are replaced with a quiet peace and trust, an awe of a God who sees me and my mess and still loves me and blesses me each day with more than I could ever need. To have the quiet heart I want, I have to choose it each day. It can't be a one time thing. I have to invite God in and trust Him to place his hand and heart on my life for the day in front of me I am given. He knows what I need and is always more than enough. He knows my past, present and future. He is in control, and I don't have to be. Gratitude...Trust...Peace...the beats of a full and quiet heart. 

Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand,
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by Thy hand 
-Elisabeth Elliot