Change and Thankfulness.

The other day, I was looking for a notebook I could rip some paper out of when I was going to meet a friend. I found a small notebook I thought was empty and headed out the door. When I got to my car, I opened it and realized the first few pages had been used.

At the top of the page, the date read November 2011. I guess four years was enough time for me to shake recollection of this journal. The majority of the journal was blank, but the first few pages were filled. This must have been one of the numerous times I decided I would start journaling, but stopped after one entry....either that or I misplaced the notebook and started writing in another the next week. My bookshelf is home to many partially filled notebooks bought with the best intentions. Do any of you buy new work out clothes in hopes it will encourage you to work out? I buy new journals thinking it will motivate me to write. Maybe a one line a day journal will be my new years resolution this year. Maybe it will be the first new years resolution I keep (I'm trying to forget my resolutions from last year to avoid admitting they have not been completed). We'll just have to wait and see.

I started to read what my 23 year old self had written on those pages. This was roughly 5 months after I had graduated from college and 2 months after I had moved to Tulsa for my job.

"I've almost been in Tulsa for 2 months. I've been church and small group hopping, and I'm getting tired of it. I miss living in the same city as my friends. I feel a lack of direction. I know I am supposed to make disciples with my life, but how am I supposed to do that when I don't know anyone? I am drained. Looks like I am throwing myself a pity party. The message at church today was something I needed to hear. God calls us to be thankful in all circumstances. We don't have to be thankful for bad times but we need to be thankful in them. This is what I have been lacking. I chose bitterness over thankfulness. I have so much to be thankful for, but have chosen not to consistently praise God. I'm changing that right now.  I have so many things to be thankful for... a house to live in, my salvation, friends who visit me, a Bible, food, a good job, clothes, family, freedom, music, Christmas, coffee, books to read, my car, Fall, changing seasons, vacation time...These are only a fraction of the things I have to be thankful for. I need to be thankful all the time. I don't want to be a bitter person. I am letting go right now and giving it all to God."

When I finished reading this, I couldn't help but smile. Turns out I only write in journals every couple of years when I am at an emotional low. But I am so glad I did. It reminded me of all the prayers God has answered in my life over the past 4 years. He has given me so many wonderful friends. Friends who pray for me, friends who laugh with me, and friends who accept me as I am. He has helped me maintain and grow my friendships out of town, too, and continue to build special memories in those parts of my life. I get to serve at church every week with little 4 year olds who always make me smile. Not only has he led me to a small group, but I now have gotten to host a wonderful group of women in a small group for almost 3 years. I have gotten the opportunity to mentor younger women and have older women pour into me. God has blessed me with a wonderful boyfriend who is better than anyone I could ever deserve. He is kind, smart, generous, handsome, funny and such a good example of how to follow Christ. Tulsa is home, and I love it here. Looking back over the past several years, I know that the memories, the stories,  and the people that flood my mind are all a testament to answered prayers and God's faithfulness.

Going into this November, it is a new season of change. Friends are moving away in the coming months, and I am the one staying this time. Change is hard, and goodbyes are even harder. However, just as much as I can look back and be thankful, I can look forward and be thankful too. I am thankful tears, because they remind me how much my friendships mean to me. I am thankful for all God is going to do in the midst of  change just as he has in the past. I don't know what change this year will bring in my life, but I am ready to see and know I can face them. In all of the unknowns, I know that God is present, and He is faithful. Whatever tomorrow holds for me, I know He has a hand in it. He hears my prayers, and He hears yours, too.

We can look forward in faith and know that God knows what he is doing and is a part of it. Stepping forward isn't so scary when we know we aren't taking our steps alone. What seems blind to us is perfectly clear to Him. This year, I am thankful for God's faithfulness in the past and for all He is going to do in the coming year in my life and in the lives of everyone around me that I love. I am thankful for the new stories the coming year will bring and the answered prayers we will see along the way.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 2 Corinthians 2:9
 

Better Together.

Let's get out of Dodge...I mean Tulsa.

That's what my friend Emily and I decided a couple of months ago. We both work downtown and took an impromptu afternoon gelato break in the middle of a work week. We shared what was on our minds and our hearts - work, family, friends, worries. I think there were even a few tears. We shared one thing in common, we both needed a vacation. We were already considering going to Colorado. Then and there, we pulled out our phones, looked at the calendar, and picked a date. Two weeks later, we booked a cheap hotel in Estes park and requested off work. We had no agenda...we just knew we were going.

And a few weeks ago, we went. We decided the night before what time we would leave and agreed there would be no judgement for the amount of luggage either of us placed in the car. Good thing. I was a little over zealous when I pulled out my stored winter clothing and saw all of the sweaters I hadn't seen in a year. I might want to change clothes three times a day, right? Better safe than sorry. Needless to say, the car was full. We drove the ten hours to Denver, and I spent a couple of days with my grandma and mom, and Emily spent some time with a friend in town.

Wednesday morning, we repacked the car...did I mention how much luggage we had? and headed to Estes. There's just something about the mountains. I love the beach, but if given a choice, I would pick mountains nearly every time.

We spent the next 4 days shopping, hiking, walking and detoxing from stresses back home. We went horseback riding. We watched the bull elk fight for the attention of the female herd on the local golf course (October must be when all Discovery Channel specials on elk are filmed) and watched as the bull elk charged  the not so bright tourists trying to get an "elk selfie" (this could also be the filming site for Vacations Gone Wrong). We drove to the top of Trail Ridge Road and called it the top of the world.  And we unashamedly topped off each night with popcorn, pringles, oreos, and whatever movie we could find on netflix. We discovered Bridget Jones about ten years late and of course watched the sequel the next night (inner monologues of a single woman and modern Pride and Prejudice parodies? Who was keeping this secret from us?!). We were not as impressed by The Stepford Wives. I'm not sure how that one made it through the production process. Not your best moment, Nicole.

Hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park was definitely my favorite part of the trip. Add it to your bucket list if you haven't been. The trails were beautiful and peaceful. On our first day of hiking we met a couple in their fifties from Texas. We started talking to them and found out they were celebrating the 3 year anniversary of their engagement. The wife proudly told me that her husband had proposed 3 years earlier on top of the Rocky Mountains. They were on an anniversary trip and showed us pictures of their adventures the past week. When we walked away from them, we both noted how sweet they were and how much they enjoyed each other's company. 

On our last day of hiking, we headed to a more remote trail. Poor Emily's Honda Accord had to pose as a Jeep on the one lane dirt mountain road. I highly recomend the Wild Basin Trailhead if you make a trip to the Rockies. A 6 mile hike will lead you up past 6 or so waterfalls. The trail is lined with towering trees on either side and breathtaking views. The hike took us several hours, probably becuase we stopped every 100 feet or so to exclaim how beautiful something was that we saw. About halfway up the trail, on one of our many stops to take in the views, we found our match. Jane and Kathleen were two cousins from Iowa  hiking the trails and stopping to take it all in just as much as we were. We all started talking and walked a while together. They told us about their adventures in other national parks and convinced us we need to visit a national park in Canada. When we parted ways, Emily and I again noted how great it was to see people enjoying each other's company so much.

On each of the trails we hiked throughout the week, though each was different, all had a few similarities. They were filled with people laughing, smiling, and enjoying each other's company. Husbands and wives, friends and cousins taking in the beauty around them and getting to share the memory with loved ones.

The week was relaxing and refreshing. The mountains are a little peace of heaven to me,
and I always feel closer to God when I am there. Each time I get to go I pray that God will let me take a piece of the serenity there with me in my heart as I head back home.

Though we were both sad to leave, knowing we were going home to the people we love and enjoy made the drive home much easier. On the drive to Colorado we listened to a Tim Keller podcast. He talked about the value of people God places in our life that choose us and choose to love us. These are people that come across our path that we choose to walk alongside. There is no obligation. There is just a choice to let these people in and invite them to walk on your path and choose to walk with them on theirs.  He talked about the way that these people show us the grace and love of Christ by sticking with us through the ups and downs, loving us through our good times and bad, even though they don't have to.

I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life, even over the past few years. I don't deserve the love I am shown. I know I'm not always loveable...I have the ugly thoughts in my head to prove it too often. Even so, I am over and over again shown grace and love by people who choose to love me and help me grow instead of leaving me behind because I am much less than perfect.

People are definitely one of my favorite gifts that God has given us. I am admitedly and introvert and need time to myself every once in a while, but nothing beats making memories with the people you love right alongside you. Near and far, the every day and adventures, I'm glad God gave me people to love and that love me to share my moments with. People I can look back with, reflect with, laugh with, and share with.

To all the people God has placed in my life...Thank you for loving me. Thanks for letting me be a part of your memories. And thank you for letting me walk beside you. Life is better with you. 

You're so quiet.

In high school during a group project after school, I remember someone in my group looking at me and asking, "So Kelly, what do you do in your spare time? Do you sit an read books all the time?" In my 17 year old mind, they might as well have asked me if I lived under a rock and had no friends."You're just so quiet, I just assumed."

Are any of my introvert friends out there? Can you relate? Meet me one on one to discuss the topic, and I'm sure anyone listening in would call us anything but quiet.

If you want to get under my skin, that's a sure fire way to do it. "Why are you being so quiet?... You're so quiet...Are you ok? You are being quiet." The variations are endless. So are the responses that have run through my head through the years I would have liked to spout out, but didn't. Thank goodness I have a healthy respect for social graces and kept my mouth shut 95 percent of the time. They say the quiet ones are the ones you have to watch out for, and I have to tell you there may be some truth in that statement.

What about the other 5 percent of the time, you ask? I'll just tell you are met with nothing but a blank stare by responding to such a question by saying something to the extent of "How do you want me to respond to that? I'll try to save you some trouble and tell you that you probably should never ask someone that. I don't ask you why you are the way you are."

Through the years, as I have grown in age and confidence, I would like to say that I give less reason for the peanut gallery to issue a "quiet" blanket statement my way, but I know that the introverted part of my personality will always lend for those comments every once in a while. But I'm okay with that. Ask me now if I read books all the time, and I probably would take it as a compliment instead of an insult. I am the first to admit that I prefer listening to talking in most instances, especially in a large group of people, not because I am unhappy, but because that is really what I like to do. I probably won't work a crowd at a party, and I definitely am not going to work to speak over someone in most cases. I can talk your ear off one on one, and there really isn't much I enjoy more than sitting in silence outside near some flowers or some water. I may be thrown into the "quiet" category, but that is right where I want to be. It works for me, and I wouldn't change who I am or was created to be.

But the truth is, I'm not always quiet. At least my heart isn't. My heart is loud.

My small group's  discussion topic a few weeks ago was discontentment. One of the questions posed asked us to list everything it would take to make us never be discontent again. The lists were real and honest and included things ranging from endless money, unrestricted travel vouchers, marriage, children and homes that give Pinterest a run for its money.

When I made my personal list earlier that week, I realized it was hard to be honest with myself on that topic, let alone with other people. As I began to write, I saw in front of me all of the things I selfishly want. Things about my future, things about my present, things about my appearance, things about my relationships, and things about my personality. All the categories were covered. And all the things.

And there my list sits in the back of my mind, too often pushing its way to the front, blocking out the things that are right in front of me. I let these things, these wants, and these desires fill my heart. These noisy desires slowly but surely overtake the quiet peace that God places in my heart when I trust in Him.

In the homework for the Bible study for that week, there was a quote that stood out to me.

"Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion, other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter.... A quiet heart is content with what God gives." Elisabeth Elliot

I want that. I want my heart to be quiet in the eyes of the Lord. I want His quiet peace to cover my heart, not the constant pattering of my earthly desires. How do we get there? 

“Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now." Elisabeth Elliot

I seek for this "quiet" in so many places. If I get this...If I reach this point...If I understand this...
The list goes on. The search is loud. It's unsettling. Sometimes it keeps me awake. Sometimes it is all I can hear. It's anything but quiet. Control. Wants. Future. Plans. Lists. Worries. These beats of the heart are constant if not quelled. 

The message at church this morning was on gratefulness. The pastor talked about not letting what we want rob us of what we have and turning every blessing from the Lord back into praise. 

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things..." Psalm 103:2-5

I know a quiet heart can't be found outside of peace, trust, and gratefulness in the Lord. I have done my fair share of looking away from Him. A friend in my small group shared that same week about how she has started practicing thanking the Lord each day in her prayers, for small things and for big things. She challenged me, and I challenge you. 

“The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances." Elisabeth Elliot 

We are given so much, but still we look out for so much more. I know I don't practice gratitude in my prayer life nearly enough. However, when I do to think of all He has given me, the loud desires in my heart become nearly impossible to hear. Those loud thumps are replaced with a quiet peace and trust, an awe of a God who sees me and my mess and still loves me and blesses me each day with more than I could ever need. To have the quiet heart I want, I have to choose it each day. It can't be a one time thing. I have to invite God in and trust Him to place his hand and heart on my life for the day in front of me I am given. He knows what I need and is always more than enough. He knows my past, present and future. He is in control, and I don't have to be. Gratitude...Trust...Peace...the beats of a full and quiet heart. 

Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand,
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by Thy hand 
-Elisabeth Elliot 

Goat calling and surrender.

One of my favorite parts of my job is the people I get to meet. Before we work on a home, we visit the house and part of my job is to find out the homeowner's story.

On this particular day, my coworker and I had already visited 5 different houses. We were driving further north than most people in Tulsa would care to go, and I was honestly ready to go home. I'm so glad I didn't get my wish.

When we drove onto Mr. Eddie's property, we saw a barn, and windmill and a cute little blue and white farmhouse in need of some TLC. Mr. Eddie greeted us at the door with an adorable 86 year old grin and invited us in.

When seeking a story at the homes we visit, sometimes I  get one word answers when I ask people questions, sometimes I learn more information than I want to know, and sometimes people are harder to open up than a stubborn jar of jelly.

Mr Eddie was different though. I walked into his living room, and his house told the story. His walls were covered in photographs, and I hardly knew where to start asking questions. As we moved around the room and I pointed to different photographs, I learned that Mr. Eddie had lived near the Grand Canyon, raised several children, trained horses, and had been a part of a traveling barber shop quartet (they even wore the striped jackets y'all).

There was one photo that stood apart from the others. It was in a large frame on a table next to the couch and pictured a man, woman, and two small children. I asked Mr. Eddie if there was a story behind it. Mr Eddie began to talk to  me about how he had a passion for horses and animals from the time he was a little boy. A family member taught him to train, and he eventually inherited and was able to purchase several horses of his own as a young adult. The horses became a point of attraction for the neighborhood, especially the kids. Mr. Eddie gladly welcomed anyone who knocked at his gate and shared knowledge he had with anyone who wanted to listen.

He told me about one boy in particular who started coming to visit his horses every day. Over time, Mr. Eddie learned that the young man had a very rough home life and came to visit Mr. Eddie's horses to escape his problems at home. Mr. Eddie's "farm" became a safe haven for him, and Mr. Eddie took the boy in like he was his own son. He taught him to train and ride the horses and invited him to his family dinners. He became as much a part of his family as his own blood relatives. Mr. Eddie pointed again at the picture and told me that the young man was full grown and now had a family of his own. He now brings his own children over to visit Mr. Eddie and his horses.

I asked Mr. Eddie if I could go outside to see all of his animals. He caught my attention indoors when he began talking about how at one time he owned 63 chickens, whose eggs he sold for $2 a dozen to pay for their feed. He since has tamed the number down to 6. Anyways, I wanted to get a closer look and maybe a picture of the chickens I could use in telling his story. There was a cow taking a nap I thought I could get a shot of too. Apparently, I set my expectations too low. As I was taking a picture of a single chicken, Mr. Eddie asked my coworker if she wanted to see him call the goats. She said sure and told me that he wanted me to see, too.

The few goats I expected paled in comparison to the image I next captured on my camera. As Mr. Eddie yelled "GOATS", not 3 goats came around the corner, but more of a stampede of farm animals composed of a swarm of goats and chickens followed by a horse.

It was pretty neat, all those animals running in our direction at once. Strange and unexpected, maybe, but definitely neat. When I turned around, Mr. Eddie had the biggest smile on his face. He loved sharing his passion with others. He told us to come back any time to visit him and his little farm.

Mr. Eddie shared his love of horses and farm animals to make a difference in the lives of those placed in his path. Even at 86, he still loved sharing and connecting through a passion he had nearly his whole life. That got me thinking? What gifts, passions, and abilities has the Lord given me that He can use to impact others?

Do I have horses...or a herd of goats? No. I am guessing you probably don't either (if you do, you should invite me over more often). 

Maybe you love to paint or maybe you are a great listener. Some of you are passionate about sports and some love being outdoors. Maybe you thrive behind the scenes and your organization skills could give the Container Store a run for their money. Maybe you could write a book on presidential trivia or maybe you could build me a pottery barn knock off bookshelf (call me).

The gifts and passions that you innately possess aren't an accident. God says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are made to share the love of Christ, and God has made you to reach and connect with people that no one else can. You were made on purpose for a purposeful plan.

I have been reading a book titled, "Anything" by Jennie Allen which talks about being able to pray just that to the Lord and mean it. "Lord, I will do anything." Full surrender is a tough and goes deeper than words that roll off of our tongues. I want my heart to be in a place of surrender where I can pray these words and truly mean them.

I have been learning a lot about myself lately. I've seen sides of myself through attitudes, thoughts and actions that are a far cry from perfect and a far cry from pretty. I have been humbled by recognizing sinful, judgmental and unloving thoughts and actions that are present in my life, and in turn, more than ever, have recognized my daily need for God's grace, forgiveness, and presence in my life to live loving others as He has called me to do.

It's funny that recognizing failures and shortcomings seems to be a crucial step in living a life of abandon for Christ. When I recognize I can't and don't have to do it on my own, that He is there to guide me, a big burden is lifted. I am a person with a sin nature, but because of the saving grace of Christ, I am able to live in the light of Christ instead of the darkness of sin.

The prayer "Lord, anything" would be slightly terrifying and maybe impossible to embrace if we had to do it on our own. God has equipped each of us with the passions, gifts, and abilities with His help to complete what He has and will call us to do.

It can be daunting thinking about the future and what a life of true abandon could look like. Would God call me to take in someone outside my family? Would He call me to move? Would He call me to something I innately fear?

Would He call me out of comfort? Probably. Would He call me to let go of my own plans? Most likely. Will He be with me every step of the way and provide all I need? Definitely.

That's more than enough. More than enough to let go of all uncertainties and live each day trusting Him. 

I pray the Lord gives me and you hearts of abandon. Lord, open our eyes and hearts to see everything you have placed in us and prepare us to say anything to all you lead us to do and to be.

I've got you.

On my flight to Phoenix last month, I forgot to check in early. In Southwest terminology, that equates to taking one of the last available seats on the plane. As a result, I ended up sitting by a man who was sleeping and had no one to talk to. As a result, I put in my headphones and pulled out Little Women and began to read. What a sweet story and full of so much wisdom, too.

When I got to chapter 4, Marmee was sharing a story with Jo to teach her about appreciating the blessings in her life. She said, "When you feel discontented, think over your blessings, and be grateful."When I read that line, I shut my book and started to think. When thinking of the blessings God has placed in my life, what began to flood my mind were not things. They were people. Like you.

If I am having a bad day, thinking about the people in my life is one sure way to turn my attitude back to the positive and bring a smile to my face. Looking back, I can count more than a few occasions that I have prayed for God to place people in my life on different occasions. Let me say, that your existence and presence in my life is a testament to the truth that God answers our prayers.

Amidst the whirring of the airplane engine (which is somewhat amplified over the wing...I really should check in earlier for better seating options), these are some of the blessings that immediately came into my mind that morning in March.

Jeff. Jeff has been such a wonderful part of my life over the past year and a half (He's the tall good looking one in the picture). He is one of the most kind, generous, fun, and caring people I have ever met. He is a man who seeks the Lord, and it is so evident in the way he lives his life. He makes me laugh, brings out the best in me and makes me want to be better. Watching the way he lives his life, he makes me want to strive to be more like Christ in generosity, grace, and compassion. He makes me take myself less seriously (and boy do we all know I need help with that), makes me feel special,  and brings so much joy into my life. He is someone I respect, admire, and trust. The memories I have made with Him are some of my favorite and most valued. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I thank the Lord for him every day. God has and continues to use dating him to bless me in countless ways.

My girlfriends. The other night, I got together with a friend on a whim. The night was comprised of eating, laughing, and gabbing. Yes, men, "girls nights" usually do fit stereotypes (and I'm so glad they do because if I was deprived of chocolate, carbs or talking  for an extended length of time, I would be a much less pleasant person to be around). Anyways. At the end of the night, we thanked each other for listening to each other gab and share what was on our hearts.  We all usually have a lot to say don't we, ladies? Thanks for listening. To all the ladies God has placed in my life, you are my people. You know who you are. People I can be myself with. Be honest. Be real. God has put so many incredible women in my life. You all floor me daily with the way you care deeply about others, the way you use your God given talents,  the way you get things accomplished, and the way you somehow find time to fit me into your life and choose to be a part of mine. I heard somewhere, once, that God gave us girlfriends so we wouldn't scare everyone else away. You might laugh at that statement, but maybe there is a bit of truth in it (ok, a lot). I think God knew we needed other women in our life to speak our language, help us sift through our emotions, and bring us back to Him amidst our wide array of emotions and our jumbled thought processes. On a lighter side, nothing beats eating cookie dough out of the tube with you and analyzing the instagram accounts of celebrities we follow. Also, thanks for being a second set of eyes when I hate everything in my closet. In the words of Rory Gilmore, "How did you do that? I've been staring at that top for twenty minutes. It was just a top. You walked in and in three seconds, it's an outfit." Thanks for encouraging and supporting me (in the emotional realm and also to let go of fashion trends from the early 2000's).


Women's Life Group. For the past few years, I have had the joy of being a part of a wonderful women's Bible study. I had never met any of these women three years ago, but now they are such a pivotal part of my life. We all come from different backgrounds and different places, and I love that. These are women I get to learn with every week and pray with. You ladies make me look forward to Tuesday night every week, and I am so thankful that God lets me walk through life next to you. We have shared tears, laughs, joys, and struggles. I learn from each of you - through your strength, your boldness, your honesty, and the way you share love with others.

Family. I love you all so much. You have made me who I am. You watched my sports games (even though I was never very good) and helped me practice my spelling words. You fixed my hair. You spent evenings next to me on the couch when I was sick. You did puzzles with me and took me to the park to feed the ducks when I came to visit. You dried my tears. You took me to church and introduced me to the love of Christ. You gave me a debt free education (I can't say thank you enough

for that gift). You taught me to value myself and value others. You showed me what hard work, love and faithfulness look like. You made up stories about Silly Sally with me on road trips and have been my biggest cheerleaders. You've shown me how much my heart grows each time new life comes into our family. You've shared some of the biggest events in my life and are a precious part of so many of my biggest memories. I love all of you with all my heart, and I always will.

I could go on for days about all the people I hold dear to my heart. But this is a blog, and not a book. And if I was writing a book about all of you, I would probably have to change all the names like in The Help, and I probably would get confused about which one of you I was calling Ashley and which one I was calling Billy. It would be a mess. So I will keep it short and sweet. Know though, that you have been a tangible answer to my prayers. You are the hands and feet of Christ in my life. Each of you lights up my world.

Last month when I was visiting Phoenix, the night before my niece's 5th birthday party, I got to help my sister, Kim, with her party decorations. She is a wonderful party planner, and had the perfect rainbow birthday party planned for Audrey to a "T", including a wonderful string of balloons across the back porch.

The next morning, my sister was outside with Audrey. Audrey was sitting in a chair on the porch, looking at the rainbow balloons and streamers. My sister came inside to tell me what Audrey said. "Sometimes you go to the party. And sometimes the party comes to you." From the mouth of a 5 year old babe.

Maybe the party isn't always something by definition extravagant. Maybe it is right in front of us and we need to sit down on the porch and look right in front of us to see it. It's spending time with someone who can make you laugh driving through your apartment parking lot. It's making a tent out of fitted sheets and chairs in the living room to fill with sleeping bags and popcorn. It's long walks, Chinese takeout and laughing so much it hurts. It's opening a text message from a friend telling you that she is praying for the burdens on your heart. It's having the confidence that there are those people in your life who won't run the other direction when you don't have time to brush your hair, wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or knock on the door with tear smudged eyeliner (because let's be honest, all three of those things happen more frequently than I wish...and none are very becoming. Maybe it's time to invest in some tear waterproof makeup).  It's filling your heart and the moments of your day with people who give you a glimpse of what it looks like to love like Jesus in the good times and the bad.

It's loving and being loved. It's the freedom to be yourself. It's that grin that comes across your face right before you take a deep breath to go to sleep thinking about the people God placed in your life.

I have all that and more because I've got you.

Growing

Spring is in the air and on the calendar. My favorite garden in the city reopened two weeks ago, the temperature has significantly risen, and the trees outside my apartment window are in full bloom.

Just in case anyone in the state missed the season change memo, Mother Nature sent Oklahoma a not so gentle reminder earlier this week. I spent a couple of hours in a tornado shelter at the mall on Wednesday night, where with a drained cell phone battery I was left to receive my information from high school mall workers. For a good thirty minutes last night, I was under the false impression that downtown was on fire, Target burned down, and a that a good portion of Tulsa had been swept away by a tornado. I am learning that Oklahoma Spring weather brings out an unflattering, stressed-out and apparently gullible side of me (for the record downtown is still standing. Target, too).  Yes Oklahoma, we know it is Spring. Thank you for the unsolicited reminder.

Minus the sporadic weather, I'm rather fond of this time of year. I love the patches of color that begin to appear in the trees and on the ground. I love the opening of the farmer's market. I love the growth, the change, and the "newness" appearing every way I turn.

This year, thanks to the generosity of several people in my life, I had the pleasure of having a bit of spring indoors over the past couple of months. A coworker and a dear friend both gave me an amaryllis bulb for Christmas. It was fascinating to watch them grow from a round brown bulb to a towering stalk with  brilliant red blooms.

This year, though the first time to grow an amaryllis, was not the first time I have received an amaryllis bulb. Two Christmases ago, I am ashamed to say I received a bulb that I never gave a chance to get even close to any type of growth.

It was the last day of work before Christmas, and the holiday hustle and bustle (I think that is just a cute way to say stress) had begun. After our office holiday party, I was quickly gathering up my belongings to begin a two week hiatus from work. I threw my belongings and gifts from coworkers (including an amaryllis bulb) into my trunk. Somewhere on the drive home, the vase containing the bulb and instructions for growth rolled to a dark corner of my car's trunk.

After returning home after Christmas, while unpacking my suitcase, I caught a glimpse of the vase. I pulled it out and looked at it. I quickly decided that 1. It probably wouldn't grow in my apartment 2. I didn't have time to figure it out 3. It probably wouldn't be worth the trouble. I threw it back in my trunk, and it regrettably made it into the trash a few months later during a deep car cleanse (aka trash emptying) at the car wash. 

If I could have looked into the future and seen how beautiful the transformation of the bulbs would be when planted, I wouldn't have been so quick to toss it away. If I had at least taken it out of my trunk, it might have had a chance to reach it's potential. If I had given it even a little bit of water each day, I could have helped it grow into something beautiful.

I am so thankful that the Lord and the people in my life don't treat me like I treated that bulb.

On my own, I am nothing much more than a dirty brown bulb, a human, inclined to sin and inclined to mess up. What if the Lord looked at me and saw me and treated me for what I am alone. 1. She probably won't grow to be much. Look at her now. 2. I have the universe to deal with. I don't have time. 3. She won't be worth the trouble. I'll just leave her in the dark. What if all those who have taken the time to invest in my life had chosen not to. 1. My time would be better spent investing in someone else. I don't think she has much potential. 2. I am really busy. I don't have time to get together with her. I don't even have time to pray for her. 3. Even if I did invest in her, it probably wouldn't make much of a difference.

Thank goodness the Lord is more lavish with his grace than I was with water for that forsaken bulb in my trunk. He looks at us through the lens of the sacrifice Christ made to atone for our sins. Where we see a mess and where we see failures, He sees what He has created us to be. He sees his beloved sons and daughters. He sees something beautiful.

I am so thankful that, during the times I have not seen the potential in myself and have been discouraged that I am not yet the woman I want to be, the Lord and the people he has placed in my life saw what I didn't see and took the time to water me with life giving words, time, prayer, and encouragement.

I love that the Lord has not called us to live our lives alone. I know I wouldn't be very good at facing the world all by myself.  In fact, I believe we are called to be the hands and feet of Christ by encouraging one another, praying, discipling, and building each other up in what God has created us to be and accomplish. We are called to love and provide nourishment for those the Lord has placed in our paths.

One of my favorite verses is Hebrews 10:24-25 "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,  not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

Not only has Christ called us to encourage and support eachother, he has called us to do it more and more each day.

I know I wouldn't be who I am without all of the people who have taken the time to teach me, rebuke me, pray for me, encourage me, cry with me, and laugh with me. Thank you to each of you for taking the time to pour your own life water into me, a woman who makes mistakes, says things I shouldn't and may not always meet your expectations. Thanks for letting God use you to help transform my life and mind to be more like Him each day. Without you, I could still be in the dark.  Without you, I wouldn't have the knowledge or confidence to give back what you have given me to the people God has placed in my life to water.

I am still growing. We all are and always will be. That is part of the beauty of it all. The Lord sees the whole picture even when the growth has just begun. He loves us right now in a way that he sees the beautiful thing we are becoming instead of witholding his love until our growth is completed. In calling us to love like He does, He is calling us to see those around us in that same way - as someone beautiful who has the potential to bring glory to the Creator through a life lived for Him.

Keep watering. Keep loving. He promises the end result will be beautiful.

Butterfly Kisses

One afternoon after Christmas, I was sitting on my bed with my 4 year old niece, Audrey.

I would have been fine shutting my eyes and taking a nap, but Audrey was insistent we play a game. The first "game" was called birthday. She instructed me on the rules. One of us was supposed to yell, "It's your birthday!" to the other and then hand the other a series of pretend gifts and, as the other opened the gift, tell them what it was they were opening. Once the first person's birthday was over, the roles reversed, and the game continued. During this game, for my "birthday", I received a hippopotamus, a car, a house, and a stuffed bear. That little girl sets the gift giving bar very high.

After we ran out of energy from unwrapping our very large gifts and giving enthused reactions, Audrey said it was time for a new game. This one was a bit simpler. It was called "sleeping beauty." We were both supposed to be princesses. However, one had fallen into a deep sleep and couldn't be woken (I think Disney may own the rights to this one) except by a kiss on the cheek from another princess (that part may be a little different). Once the princess was woken from her deep sleep, the other princess fell into dreamland, and the game continued. I think you have it figured out.

After about fifteen minutes of this game, I needed a break. Mostly because I didn't want to lay my head down on the pillow again and have to "wake up" before my head rested on the pillow for at least an hour.

Looking to change the subject, I asked Audrey if she had heard of butterfly kisses before. She giggled at the name and told me no. She wanted to learn. She giggled even more when I quickly blinked my eyelashes next to her cheek. Audrey gave me a butterfly kiss and wanted many more herself, giggling more each time.

She looked at me and, in a sweet little voice through a smile, said, "Aunt Kelly, where did you learn about the butterfly kisses?"

I paused and thought. I honestly could not pinpoint the moment. The 1996 Bob Carlisle song was the only specific thing that came to mind. I told her I didn't know. That didn't seem to bother her too much, though. She replied, "I like butterfly kisses".

We continued our game of "sleeping beauty",  but this time exchanged the magic smooches for fluttering eyelashes and lots of giggles.

When I told Audrey I had to go back home to Tulsa the next day, she frowned and said, "But how can I give you butterfly kisses if you go home?" I choked back my tears and told her butterfly kisses were good over face time too. The smile came back to her face.

Today marks one month until February 14, Valentine's Day, a day celebrating love itself. Where is it, though, that we learn to love?

When I think back through my life, I have been shown love in so many ways by so many people and, in turn, have been blessed with so many people to give back the love I have been given.

Maybe part of it starts the moment we are born. I am not a mother, but I am told there is nothing like the new love you feel when you first hold your baby in your arms. From the moment we are first introduced to love, I believe it continues to be all around us. We just have to look for it.

Love can be expressed in so many different ways- a hug, a kiss, a conversation, a note, a laugh, time spent, a whispered prayer, a selfless gesture to a stranger, a smile, or a helping hand to name a few. I believe love can be shown to people we hold the closest and also to those we have never met.

The truth is, as believers, we have someone who loved us before time began. Someone who made the ultimate sacrifice so that we could live. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." 

I can't even fathom this kind of love. The Creator of the universe chose you and me, even in our darkest places. He has loved us to life in Him if we will accept the love he lavishes on us through the free gift of salvation.

As we walk through our lives, no matter how long or how short they may be, we have an example to follow. We can learn to love even in the hardest of circumstances or with the most seemingly difficult people by turning to Christ and learning how to love and gaining strength to love through Him.

1 John 4:19 says, "We love because he first loved us."

As daughters and sons of Christ we are called to share His love throughout the world in response to the selfless love he has and continues to show us. That kind of gift and that kind of love are meant to be shared. It's one of those things that is just too good to keep to yourself.

There is nothing like the joy the Lord brings when we share his love with others. The joy the Lord brings when we are obedient to his command to love one another is so sweet.

A part of my small group study last week focused on the love of Christ. It mentioned Jude 1:21 which says, "Keep yourselves in the love of God, expecting the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ." In the study, Beth writes, "That means practicing the mindset of being profusely loved by God....Actively engaging in his unending, extravagant, no-stings-attached affection for you is not narcissism. It's necessity. It can mean our survival when loving the loveless."
 
Wherever you may be this very day and whoever you are with, I hope you know you are loved. Because you are. Very much. Profusely. We all are. You are loved by the King. The Creator who loved us first and gave his life so we, too, could share this love shown to us with each step we take.

How do we love? By seeking to selflessly share the love of Christ and the truth of the gospel through our words and actions with those placed in our path each day. Where do we learn to love? From the One who first loved us. 

Grace for the New Year

A new year has come. The old year has gone. A calendar page has turned. And black eyed pea sales are down from last month (or so I assume...I have eaten exactly one black eyed pea in my lifetime so I am not an expert).

After Taylor Swift finished "Shaking it Off" in Times Square, the toasts, the smooches, and the confetti, the ball dropped, and the year listed at the end of the date read a number none of had lived before. 2015.

A short 9 days ago, the slate was wiped clean as billions cheered, "Happy New Year!" A phrase holding hope and promise for so many. A chance to start over. A chance to get it right this time.

I have been fickle throughout my lifetime in the making and completion of New Year's resolutions. Last year, I completed 1 out of 5 of my resolutions, and I honestly couldn't tell you what the other 4 were verbatim. However due to the one completed goal, I entered 2015 credit card debt free (thanks to good ole Dave Ramsey, prayer and diligence), so I feel ok with letting the other goals slip aside.

This year, I, once again, made several goals including reading more books (one down so far), using more postage stamps, and enrolling in some cake decorating classes to name a few. Though I hope to and plan on completing these goals in the next calendar year, these types of goals don't exactly weigh on my soul. Maybe the cake decorating one would if I was Martha Stewart, but I'm not. If something happens, and I can't make it, I think I will still be able to sleep at night. Maybe that is the reason I chose them.

If I'm being honest, New Year's resolutions stress me out. Not the kind I listed but ones more on the serious side. More precisely, the fears of failure and inadequacy stress me out. Too often, when the new year rolls around, I find myself dwelling on all the things I didn't do, all the areas in which I have fallen short. You dropped off on scripture memory a few months early. You slipped an said and thought things about people you shouldn't have. You were too selfish with your time. What toned stomach? You probably could have spent a little more time in prayer. You are so far from who you said you wanted to become.

When given a goal, I want to complete it. Perfectly. You say I have to take a test? I want to know all of the material before I sit down so I can answer each question correctly. If someone gives me instructions, I won't conveniently skip over step 3. In most instances, I will most likely double check to see if my t's are crossed and my i's are dotted.

This thought process seems to not be isolated to New Year's Eve. Too often, I find myself tying my worth in so many areas of my life - i.e. being a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, an aunt, a small group leader, a mentor - to doing. The enemy tells me if I don't do enough, call enough, excel enough, that I am not enough. You are loved in your successes, but are you sure your failures don't make them value you less? You let them down. You failed. They noticed. They won't forget. The enemy is a vicious chatterbox.

Though a merit based life seems to fit in a box of humanness and my desire for control, the Lord gently reminds me that this is not the life he has called me to.

It is far too easy to look at all we are not and the things we seemed to have missed in the scuffle of the previous year. Though my yearly goals change, some underlying hopes and dreams remain the same. I truly hope to grow in my relationship with the Lord each year and become more of the woman He has made me to be.  I hope to make more of an impact for Him and learn to show His love a little better. Slip ups and struggles don't mean failure in the Lord's eyes. The enemy battles to tell me differently. 

When the new year comes, I feel pressure to become the perfect idea of a Christian woman I have in my head. Pressure to never miss a quiet time, spend more time praying than any other activity, and to never have a negative thought. I find myself in fear that I will disappoint those around me and even more so disappoint the Lord.

A dear friend introduced me to a gospel centered daily devotional to use in the upcoming year. As always, the Lord knows just what I need to see and hear. I am so thankful he uses people in my life to point me back toward Him when I look away.

Nearly every day since I started these daily devotionals, a common theme...in this book, in conversations, and in scripture keeps popping out at me. Grace.

On New Year's Eve, the devotional I read talked about the end of the year marking a time when we are expected to make a goal that will in one epic moment of decisiveness and resolve, change our life (talk about timing).

This devotional reminded me that change in character to be more like Christ isn't reliant on one dramatic moment or resolution...how commitment is important and essential, but the change and transformation itself is made up of more mundane little moments. The little moments in our days, weeks, months, and years are what comprise the changes that the Lord works within us. Little moments of grace. Constant offerings and reminders of the price Christ paid and the gift he gave us of neverending grace in salvation. Making the choice in the moments of our days to choose prayer over worry and thankfulness and praise over discontentment.

Choosing to be transformed by Christ doesn't mean never messing up. I think it is recognizing that we will mess up and being reminded that we need the grace God gives us with each breath we take to change and grow.

"Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given." John 1:16

Choosing to live for Christ isn't a call to perfectionism, it's a call to waking up each day and choosing Christ, choosing to seek him in both the mundane moments and the monumental ones. It's recognizing that slip ups aren't moments where we lose God's favor, but moments where we can be reminded of his grace and our need for him as he lovingly draws us back to Him.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

This year I pray the Lord will continually tune my heart sing His grace. I pray He will give me peace and strength to choose Him in the little moments and daily be growing to become not a perfect woman, but one who's heart's desire is to follow Him and share his love with others. I pray that I can find rest and trust in that fact that the Lord will never stop loving and working on me. He will be transforming my heart to be more like His each day I seek Him.

Lord, please teach me to block out the lies of the enemy that tell me to strive for perfection and dwell on failures. Teach me to rest in your grace and the promise that your sacrifice is what covers all of my shortcomings. Remind me that I need your grace and nothing else. Let the voice of your grace sing out above all other voices. Let this be a year full of moments where I see your face and choose to follow your voice. Amen. 

"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 
 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:25-26