I think I'm going to need some new shoes

Do you enjoy watching the news?

News is found at every corner, it seems, whether we are looking for it or not. It's on the television, it's in the checkout lines at the grocery store and it is even found in conversations in your office break room. It seems it is impossible to visit social media to see a picture of a friend's baby without first coming across the latest headlines with a good dose of harsh debate between your next door neighbor, your Uncle Fred and his second cousin twice removed in the comment section below.

I personally favor the news stories where Robin Roberts visits the panda bears. Call me shallow, but I would much prefer the feeling GMA's highlight stories leave me with to the harsh comments to be found beneath any story featuring this year's presidential candidates. Maybe it's just me, but it seems the news has been especially tumultuous this year. Headlines have been full of mass shootings, relentless presidential debate, violent acts against the police force, natural disasters, racial tension, and amusement park tragedies to name a few (the rise of Pokemon go does not fit into this particular category but might be equally as disturbing...anyone else agree?).

I don't know about you, but I get a pit in my stomach every time I see another one of these headlines, and the pit just grows if I let myself scroll through the comment section. Each of these stories incites a different emotion...fear, sadness, and uncertainty to name a few. I don't know about you, but with all of the emotions and thoughts my female brain can conjure up on its own, I don't need any help creating a higher grade roller coaster with no seat belt to send my mind on. Dwelling on small details of my daily life (trivial most of the time) is enough to spend my mind spinning. So how are we supposed to handle all of this?

The past couple of months, the small group I am a part of has been doing a study on the Armor of God. I'll be honest, before we started the study, I had my doubts about it. Sure I had learned about it in Sunday school growing up and could sing you a song about it if you were here with me (I'll spare you and your ears), but I didn't think it was something that studying again could have a big impact on my daily life. As I usually am when I think I know it all, I was wrong.  

The study focused on recognizing the reality of the enemy in our world and our daily lives and how to combat him with the pieces of armor God gives us. Thinking about Satan in my life hadn't been a part of my thought process very often in the past, but through the weeks of study and the questions it asked, I started to notice areas of my life that I had allowed the enemy to creep in to my mind amplifying the emotions listed above. Because I didn't recognize the ways he was attacking me, I had not done much before to stop it.  Through the study, we learned ways that the different pieces of the armor of God would help us stop Satan's attacks before they had the chance to impact our hearts or minds.

One week in particular stood out to me - the shoes of peace. The writer talked about how Satan is always out to steal our peace. And boy, he does a good job of it too often, doesn't he? She talked about how a lack of peace cripples us in so many different areas of our lives- our relationships, our emotions, our work, etc. I know that personally, when I am anxious or fearful, I have a hard time focusing on anything else. I say things I don't mean or haven't thought out and make rash decisions. Anyone else?

We learned how choosing to put on the shoes of peace, we can keep our footing even when we are on rocky ground.

" Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7

The author talked about the way we put on the shoes of peace is by choosing trust in God and gratitude over anxiety and worry that the enemy tries to throw at us. 

Without the right shoes in the literal sense, I know I would be unable to focus on anything but the rocks under my bare feet climbing up a mountain. Shoes protect our feet and help keep us stable even when the ground beneath us is not. If I would not walk with bare feet across rocky terrain on purpose, how much more important is it to put on these spiritual shoes just by turning my eyes toward God in trust and gratitude instead of dwelling in anxiousness?

Though we may fear some of the same things living with the same headlines, I don't know what makes you anxious or steals your peace in your personal life. Maybe you are struggling at work. Maybe you feel overloaded or overlooked. Maybe your peace has been stolen in a relationship. Whatever it is, the enemy is out to steal your and my peace and will take it wherever he can. 

I may not understand all that is going on in the world. I may not feel assurance in the headlines or the polls. I don't know the future. And I know I let my emotions get the best of me far too often. 

However, what an assurance it is to know that we are promised peace in what seems like a somewhat peace-less world. We have a Savior who not only walks beside us through our good times and bad, but gives us the shoes we need to remain stable and have peace in him. All we have to do is put them on. 

No matter what the headlines say, and no matter what happened in your personal life yesterday, today or will happen tomorrow, one thing will never change or be unsure. God promises us peace when we turn to Him. Whatever we are going through, he can give us peace if we choose to slip on those shoes and walk forward with the peace he promises.

When he asked.

So many different things can trigger an emotion or bring up a memory. Listening to a song, seeing a familiar face, or being in a particular location. However, places do not only hold a past, they hold a future, too. So many places hold future memories and meaning that we have not yet encountered.

When I first moved to Tulsa, everything was something new to explore...every restaurant, every coffee shop, every street, and every park. Before I moved from Oklahoma City, I had been to Tulsa only once, and that was a trip to a house in Broken Arrow with no other stops. I'm not sure if that even counts. My first roommate in Tulsa had grown up here and graciously showed this directionally challenged gal around the city over the course of the year we lived together.

One of the places I went with her family stuck as my now favorite place in the city. At Woodward Park in Tulsa, tucked away in the back is a gated garden called the Linnaeus Teaching Gardens.  The garden charges nothing for admission and is run and maintained solely by volunteers. There are rarely more than 5 visitors at a time in the garden, adding to its tranquility. I have determined it is Tulsa's own secret garden, and, if I could, I would claim it as my own secret garden.

It's hard to put into words why I love it so much. The first time I visited, I remember wondering there were not more people walking around. When you first walk in, there is a large deck with several small tables overlooking a pond with little waterfalls flowing into it. As you move along the walking path, at any given time of year, there is a large variety of beautiful flowers, greenery, trees, and sometimes the pond is spotted with blooming lily pads (one of my personal favorites). Further down the path, a vegetable garden is home to huge cabbage plants, hanging gourds, peppers, tomatoes, and asparagus to name a few. The back of the garden houses more water features, beautiful Japanese Maples, an outdoor fireplace and another seating area.

I have visited the garden countless times since then. It's the place I like to go to get away and collect my thoughts. I often bring my lunch to sit on the deck in the middle of the work day to get some fresh air. Other days I have gone and brought only a book. Each time I visit, I enjoy seeing the volunteers working in the garden beds and the things that have changed since the last time I came. I love the colors, I love the smells, and I love the sounds including ringing wind chimes and moving water. No matter what is going on, the peace, the beauty and the colors seem to make me move a little slower, breathe a little deeper, and forget about any stress going on outside of those garden gates.

Last week, I brought my lunch to the Linnaeus Gardens in Tulsa on my lunch break like I have done dozens of other times before. But today, as a sat down at a table on the porch overlooking the garden, I smiled for not the reasons I usually do when I am there, but for a new one.

A little over 4 weeks ago, on a Friday afternoon, Jeff asked me if I would like to go to brunch the following morning at a restaurant called Wild Fork at Utica Square. Not thinking anything out of the ordinary, I told him I would love to go. The next morning, we had brunch on the patio there. If you have not visited Tulsa in the Spring, I suggest you do, if for nothing else than for the tulips in the courtyard at Utica Square. That morning, they were at their peak. We had a wonderful brunch, and I still had no suspicions. The only thing out of the ordinary was that Jeff had brought a whole bottle of ibuprofen and had taken it out of his jacket pocket and put it on the table. If you know Jeff, you know that he rarely takes any kind of medicine. Still, I was not suspicious, only concerned that he had taken me to brunch when he was not feeling well.

After brunch, we walked around the stores in the outdoor shopping center. We made our usual stops at West Elm and Restoration Hardware. In between stores, Jeff told me he was going to put the bottle of medicine and car and that he would be right back. I later learned he replaced it with something else in his pocket (!!!).

While in the last store, Jeff told me that our friend Bethany had texted him to say she was taking their kids, Eden and Miles, over to the Linnaeus Gardens to look at the fish in the pond if we wanted to walk over and say hi.

 Jay and Bethany's kids have become like our adoptive niece and nephew here in Tulsa. They are some of the sweetest little kids around. If you know there parents, you know that they take after them and that is no surprise at all. Jeff was there to meet  both Eden and Miles on the days they were born. Babysitting Eden and Miles is always a favorite date of ours and often a topic of our conversations, too. They affectionately refer to Jeff as Uncle Mossman. I have had the pleasure of babysitting them on Friday mornings while Bethany teaches, and love seeing Eden's smile when she hears a knock on the door and she knows it is Uncle Mossman bringing us donuts. Jay, Bethany, Eden and Miles are dear friends that are like family to us here in Tulsa, and we are so thankful they have us as a part of their lives.

All that being said, I didn't think anything out of the ordinary when Jeff asked if I wanted to walk over to the park. When we arrived, Bethany and the kids were no where to be seen. I assumed they were just running late, and we walked through the garden. I had visited earlier in the week and cluelessly took Jeff around to show him everything I had seen including the asparagus in the vegetable garden.

After we walked around the whole path, we reached a place on the path at the bottom of the pond where you can see the majority of the  garden. I questioned again where they were, but Jeff ignored my question and asked me what it was that I loved about the garden. Thinking he was just killing time until they finally showed up (we had been walking for a while), I gave him an answer. He answered back and said "I love that these gardens are beautiful in every season, and that's something I love about you too." (romantic right?!) At that point, my heart started beating faster, and I saw Jeff's demeanor change. He told me he had brought me there for a reason and that the kids weren't coming. That was the first moment I realized what was happening.  I always thought I would know when it would happen or would figure it out somehow. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was caught completely off guard. Kudos to Jeff on being the best secret keeper.

Jeff then proceeded to say so many sweet things about how thankful he is that I am in his life, told me he loved me for the first time, got down on one knee, and said the best words I have ever heard, "Kelly Marie Hall, will you marry me?" Of course I said YES and was so happy to tell him I love him too! He placed the most beautiful ring I have ever seen on my left hand and let me know we would be driving down to Dallas to celebrate with family. It was a wonderful weekend full of time with family and celebration with friends both in person and over the phone.

When we returned to Tulsa, Jeff invited me to come over after my small group. His living room was covered in photos, tickets from our trips, mementos, and cards I written him through our relationship. Pictures covered the walls and fireplace and rose petals covered the floor. I think to say that Jeff blew me away is an understatement. Words don't even do justice to explain how special Jeff's proposal was to me.

 

I always wondered what the man I would marry would be like. As I grew up, the things I thought I wanted changed. As a little girl, husbands were always pictured in a palace as prince charming...or as Ken riding shotgun in Barbie's Jeep. There were even a good few years in my late teens where I was determined the man I would marry would have to drive a pick up truck. As I got older, through personal experiences and the ones of those I loved, the Lord really began to shape in my heart what I was looking for in a husband. I knew he would have to love the Lord above all else and have that be an evident part of his life. I hoped to find a man who would be generous, kind, fun and adventurous. I hoped to find someone I could be myself with and someone who would take me as I am. I hoped to find someone I could laugh with and someone who would be there for me when things weren't perfect. I hoped to find someone who I could encourage and support through good times and bad. I began to pray for those things and always hoped the Lord would answer my prayers.

I remember in college telling a friend that I believed I would only love one man and that I would love him forever. The Lord answered my prayers and more by placing Jeff in my life. If you don't know Jeff Moss, you are missing out and I am confident in saying that anyone who knows him would agree.

When Jeff and I started dating, I knew I liked him a lot and admired his character through the friendship we had previous to dating. As we continued to get to know each other and spend time together, I quickly fell in love with him and love him more every day. I have never met anyone like Jeff. He is kind whether he has known you for years or for 5 minutes. He is the most generous man I have ever met. Watching him live out God's call for us to meet the needs of others has challenged me to grow that area myself. He is so smart and such a hard worker. He makes me smile and laugh more than anyone I have ever known. No matter what has been going on in my day, seeing him gives me that same move a little slower, breathe a little deeper, and forget about any stress feeling I get when I walk into those gardens at the park. I have never met anyone like him. The man who encourages me and supports me in my endeavors. The man who makes me feel loved. The man who makes me laugh and smile every day. The man I miss when he is gone. The man I love traveling and going on adventures with. The man I respect and want would follow anywhere. The man who challenges me to live out my walk with Christ and love like Jesus does. The man who makes me melt every time I hear him say he loves me. The only man I have ever loved and the only man I ever will.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind in the best way. We have begun talking about future plans, picked a wedding date (come on October!!), and picked a wedding venue. Through all the plans though, I am looking forward to our life together more than anything. Neither of us are perfect and we both make mistakes. That's one of the best parts of loving someone and having them love you too, though - loving through imperfections and the ups and downs.  I don't know what our future will hold ten years from now or even one week from now. That's part of the fun of it though, right? As we walk into the unknown, I know one thing. No high or low, no good time or bad could take away the love I have for this man. The future has always been a scary thing to me, but I am not scared with Jeff by my side. There is no one else I would want to walk into the the unknown with. A lifetime of memories, support, encouragement, and seeking Christ together is ahead of us. I am so thankful and so blessed and undeserving of this gift. I thank the Lord for letting this new adventure be a part of my story and a reminder of the grace and good gifts the Lord gives in our lives.

I write this story down in love and so that when I am old and gray I never forget a single detail. Thank you Jeff for loving me and asking me to be yours. I'll always love you. I can't wait to marry you!

Time

Time has a funny way of slipping away, doesn't it? Somewhere in the past few months, I blinked. The groundhog saw it's shadow (thank goodness), temperatures started creeping above 70 degrees (a couple of days for a good spring tease), and much to my shock when I looked at my calendar this week, I realized we are less than a week away from March.

Don't get me wrong, I gladly welcome March and its warmer temperatures, blooming flowers, and blue skies. March signals the end of winter and the gateway to summer, sunshine, days by the pool, and the far superior months of the year (sorry to all you winter fans).

March, at least in my head, is past the "new year" period. March is a good portion into the year. We are past the time of making goals and have begun making memories that will be a part of what come to mind when we think about 2016.

These 2 months seemed to have slipped away, but looking back, they have already held so much. They have already held smiles, tears, laughter, frustration, love, joy and so much more. I can safely say the full spectrum of my emotions is in working order.

Two best friends have moved states away, and then another called to say she would be moving in a few months. Friends have lost jobs and others have announced the acceptance of new ones. The past 2 months have held celebrations of engagements and showers for weddings. Two friends have announced pregnancies and will welcome new life into their families in the Fall. I have shared tears with friends for ended relationships with broken expectations and shared squeals for new beginnings and hope in the lives of others. I entered a season of work that has been both challenging and exhausting. I have made new memories with friends, old, new, young and old. I have spent priceless quality time with the man I am so lucky to call my boyfriend. I have rejoiced with friends over answered long term prayers and have been invited to pray with others into the future.

Though seeming quick, January and February held a lot of life and and a lot of change.


Last month,  I was out walking in my friend's neighborhood in Yukon. With me in a stroller was one
of the cutest babies I have ever known. As I was pushing his stroller, I stopped to look at him and had one of those "where did the time go" moments. This little human that wasn't in the world until less than a year ago was sitting there smiling at me with the most perfect little cheeks begging to be kissed. I remember his parents meeting in college (I was on a blind double date with them) and have had the blessing of remaining close with them over the past 9 years through life's ups and downs. 9 years ago at that booth at Friday's I had no idea I was sitting and watching the beginnings of God's plans for that precious baby's life. In that moment I was reminded that the little things are a part of a big picture that I don't see.

I realize I write about change and reflection quite a bit. I think that's because that's a big piece of what life is. A series of changes. Or at least that's the way I tend to look at it. In my small group's Bible study a few weeks ago, the book's author had us write out a timeline of the events in our lives over the past several years. As I made my timeline and looked back, I was able to see that moments I had viewed as hardships and many tears I cried along with the "good moments" on the page all worked perfectly together to bring me where I am.

Recently, at church, we were singing a song and a line of lyrics caught my attention. "The Lord our God is ever faithful. Never changing through the ages." God is never changing. Does anyone else find extreme comfort in that? The fact that He is never changing reminds me that the change in my life has purpose. Maybe instead of viewing life as a series of changes, I should view the little moments as brush strokes on God's canvass. Little pieces that sometimes look ugly or confusing on their own but beautiful in the portrait God is painting in each of our lives. Each moment and each change a part of God's faithfulness.

Over the past year, I have had the joy of having breakfast with a dear friend every Wednesday morning. We read books together, share our lives and sometimes a cream filled donut too. Yesterday, since we had completed the book we had been reading the week before, we took the time over breakfast to catch up. As we talked about the first couple of months of the year and looked forward, we decided that 2016 was already shaping up to be a great year.

There are 10 months left of 2016. In the next weeks and months, I have already pencilled in weddings of dear friends, trips to see friends, work events, and time with family to name a few. However, there are so many moments and so many days with blanks. I can't imagine all this year will hold, especially thinking about all that has happened in the past 2 months. I can only hope it is full of time with those I love, memories, opportunities to serve others, hands held during the hard times and smiles shared through the good.

Whatever this year holds, I know God is in it. He is good and he is faithful. Each moment is a part of something bigger. Something beautiful. I'm ready for it.

Change and Thankfulness.

The other day, I was looking for a notebook I could rip some paper out of when I was going to meet a friend. I found a small notebook I thought was empty and headed out the door. When I got to my car, I opened it and realized the first few pages had been used.

At the top of the page, the date read November 2011. I guess four years was enough time for me to shake recollection of this journal. The majority of the journal was blank, but the first few pages were filled. This must have been one of the numerous times I decided I would start journaling, but stopped after one entry....either that or I misplaced the notebook and started writing in another the next week. My bookshelf is home to many partially filled notebooks bought with the best intentions. Do any of you buy new work out clothes in hopes it will encourage you to work out? I buy new journals thinking it will motivate me to write. Maybe a one line a day journal will be my new years resolution this year. Maybe it will be the first new years resolution I keep (I'm trying to forget my resolutions from last year to avoid admitting they have not been completed). We'll just have to wait and see.

I started to read what my 23 year old self had written on those pages. This was roughly 5 months after I had graduated from college and 2 months after I had moved to Tulsa for my job.

"I've almost been in Tulsa for 2 months. I've been church and small group hopping, and I'm getting tired of it. I miss living in the same city as my friends. I feel a lack of direction. I know I am supposed to make disciples with my life, but how am I supposed to do that when I don't know anyone? I am drained. Looks like I am throwing myself a pity party. The message at church today was something I needed to hear. God calls us to be thankful in all circumstances. We don't have to be thankful for bad times but we need to be thankful in them. This is what I have been lacking. I chose bitterness over thankfulness. I have so much to be thankful for, but have chosen not to consistently praise God. I'm changing that right now.  I have so many things to be thankful for... a house to live in, my salvation, friends who visit me, a Bible, food, a good job, clothes, family, freedom, music, Christmas, coffee, books to read, my car, Fall, changing seasons, vacation time...These are only a fraction of the things I have to be thankful for. I need to be thankful all the time. I don't want to be a bitter person. I am letting go right now and giving it all to God."

When I finished reading this, I couldn't help but smile. Turns out I only write in journals every couple of years when I am at an emotional low. But I am so glad I did. It reminded me of all the prayers God has answered in my life over the past 4 years. He has given me so many wonderful friends. Friends who pray for me, friends who laugh with me, and friends who accept me as I am. He has helped me maintain and grow my friendships out of town, too, and continue to build special memories in those parts of my life. I get to serve at church every week with little 4 year olds who always make me smile. Not only has he led me to a small group, but I now have gotten to host a wonderful group of women in a small group for almost 3 years. I have gotten the opportunity to mentor younger women and have older women pour into me. God has blessed me with a wonderful boyfriend who is better than anyone I could ever deserve. He is kind, smart, generous, handsome, funny and such a good example of how to follow Christ. Tulsa is home, and I love it here. Looking back over the past several years, I know that the memories, the stories,  and the people that flood my mind are all a testament to answered prayers and God's faithfulness.

Going into this November, it is a new season of change. Friends are moving away in the coming months, and I am the one staying this time. Change is hard, and goodbyes are even harder. However, just as much as I can look back and be thankful, I can look forward and be thankful too. I am thankful tears, because they remind me how much my friendships mean to me. I am thankful for all God is going to do in the midst of  change just as he has in the past. I don't know what change this year will bring in my life, but I am ready to see and know I can face them. In all of the unknowns, I know that God is present, and He is faithful. Whatever tomorrow holds for me, I know He has a hand in it. He hears my prayers, and He hears yours, too.

We can look forward in faith and know that God knows what he is doing and is a part of it. Stepping forward isn't so scary when we know we aren't taking our steps alone. What seems blind to us is perfectly clear to Him. This year, I am thankful for God's faithfulness in the past and for all He is going to do in the coming year in my life and in the lives of everyone around me that I love. I am thankful for the new stories the coming year will bring and the answered prayers we will see along the way.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 2 Corinthians 2:9
 

Better Together.

Let's get out of Dodge...I mean Tulsa.

That's what my friend Emily and I decided a couple of months ago. We both work downtown and took an impromptu afternoon gelato break in the middle of a work week. We shared what was on our minds and our hearts - work, family, friends, worries. I think there were even a few tears. We shared one thing in common, we both needed a vacation. We were already considering going to Colorado. Then and there, we pulled out our phones, looked at the calendar, and picked a date. Two weeks later, we booked a cheap hotel in Estes park and requested off work. We had no agenda...we just knew we were going.

And a few weeks ago, we went. We decided the night before what time we would leave and agreed there would be no judgement for the amount of luggage either of us placed in the car. Good thing. I was a little over zealous when I pulled out my stored winter clothing and saw all of the sweaters I hadn't seen in a year. I might want to change clothes three times a day, right? Better safe than sorry. Needless to say, the car was full. We drove the ten hours to Denver, and I spent a couple of days with my grandma and mom, and Emily spent some time with a friend in town.

Wednesday morning, we repacked the car...did I mention how much luggage we had? and headed to Estes. There's just something about the mountains. I love the beach, but if given a choice, I would pick mountains nearly every time.

We spent the next 4 days shopping, hiking, walking and detoxing from stresses back home. We went horseback riding. We watched the bull elk fight for the attention of the female herd on the local golf course (October must be when all Discovery Channel specials on elk are filmed) and watched as the bull elk charged  the not so bright tourists trying to get an "elk selfie" (this could also be the filming site for Vacations Gone Wrong). We drove to the top of Trail Ridge Road and called it the top of the world.  And we unashamedly topped off each night with popcorn, pringles, oreos, and whatever movie we could find on netflix. We discovered Bridget Jones about ten years late and of course watched the sequel the next night (inner monologues of a single woman and modern Pride and Prejudice parodies? Who was keeping this secret from us?!). We were not as impressed by The Stepford Wives. I'm not sure how that one made it through the production process. Not your best moment, Nicole.

Hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park was definitely my favorite part of the trip. Add it to your bucket list if you haven't been. The trails were beautiful and peaceful. On our first day of hiking we met a couple in their fifties from Texas. We started talking to them and found out they were celebrating the 3 year anniversary of their engagement. The wife proudly told me that her husband had proposed 3 years earlier on top of the Rocky Mountains. They were on an anniversary trip and showed us pictures of their adventures the past week. When we walked away from them, we both noted how sweet they were and how much they enjoyed each other's company. 

On our last day of hiking, we headed to a more remote trail. Poor Emily's Honda Accord had to pose as a Jeep on the one lane dirt mountain road. I highly recomend the Wild Basin Trailhead if you make a trip to the Rockies. A 6 mile hike will lead you up past 6 or so waterfalls. The trail is lined with towering trees on either side and breathtaking views. The hike took us several hours, probably becuase we stopped every 100 feet or so to exclaim how beautiful something was that we saw. About halfway up the trail, on one of our many stops to take in the views, we found our match. Jane and Kathleen were two cousins from Iowa  hiking the trails and stopping to take it all in just as much as we were. We all started talking and walked a while together. They told us about their adventures in other national parks and convinced us we need to visit a national park in Canada. When we parted ways, Emily and I again noted how great it was to see people enjoying each other's company so much.

On each of the trails we hiked throughout the week, though each was different, all had a few similarities. They were filled with people laughing, smiling, and enjoying each other's company. Husbands and wives, friends and cousins taking in the beauty around them and getting to share the memory with loved ones.

The week was relaxing and refreshing. The mountains are a little peace of heaven to me,
and I always feel closer to God when I am there. Each time I get to go I pray that God will let me take a piece of the serenity there with me in my heart as I head back home.

Though we were both sad to leave, knowing we were going home to the people we love and enjoy made the drive home much easier. On the drive to Colorado we listened to a Tim Keller podcast. He talked about the value of people God places in our life that choose us and choose to love us. These are people that come across our path that we choose to walk alongside. There is no obligation. There is just a choice to let these people in and invite them to walk on your path and choose to walk with them on theirs.  He talked about the way that these people show us the grace and love of Christ by sticking with us through the ups and downs, loving us through our good times and bad, even though they don't have to.

I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life, even over the past few years. I don't deserve the love I am shown. I know I'm not always loveable...I have the ugly thoughts in my head to prove it too often. Even so, I am over and over again shown grace and love by people who choose to love me and help me grow instead of leaving me behind because I am much less than perfect.

People are definitely one of my favorite gifts that God has given us. I am admitedly and introvert and need time to myself every once in a while, but nothing beats making memories with the people you love right alongside you. Near and far, the every day and adventures, I'm glad God gave me people to love and that love me to share my moments with. People I can look back with, reflect with, laugh with, and share with.

To all the people God has placed in my life...Thank you for loving me. Thanks for letting me be a part of your memories. And thank you for letting me walk beside you. Life is better with you. 

You're so quiet.

In high school during a group project after school, I remember someone in my group looking at me and asking, "So Kelly, what do you do in your spare time? Do you sit an read books all the time?" In my 17 year old mind, they might as well have asked me if I lived under a rock and had no friends."You're just so quiet, I just assumed."

Are any of my introvert friends out there? Can you relate? Meet me one on one to discuss the topic, and I'm sure anyone listening in would call us anything but quiet.

If you want to get under my skin, that's a sure fire way to do it. "Why are you being so quiet?... You're so quiet...Are you ok? You are being quiet." The variations are endless. So are the responses that have run through my head through the years I would have liked to spout out, but didn't. Thank goodness I have a healthy respect for social graces and kept my mouth shut 95 percent of the time. They say the quiet ones are the ones you have to watch out for, and I have to tell you there may be some truth in that statement.

What about the other 5 percent of the time, you ask? I'll just tell you are met with nothing but a blank stare by responding to such a question by saying something to the extent of "How do you want me to respond to that? I'll try to save you some trouble and tell you that you probably should never ask someone that. I don't ask you why you are the way you are."

Through the years, as I have grown in age and confidence, I would like to say that I give less reason for the peanut gallery to issue a "quiet" blanket statement my way, but I know that the introverted part of my personality will always lend for those comments every once in a while. But I'm okay with that. Ask me now if I read books all the time, and I probably would take it as a compliment instead of an insult. I am the first to admit that I prefer listening to talking in most instances, especially in a large group of people, not because I am unhappy, but because that is really what I like to do. I probably won't work a crowd at a party, and I definitely am not going to work to speak over someone in most cases. I can talk your ear off one on one, and there really isn't much I enjoy more than sitting in silence outside near some flowers or some water. I may be thrown into the "quiet" category, but that is right where I want to be. It works for me, and I wouldn't change who I am or was created to be.

But the truth is, I'm not always quiet. At least my heart isn't. My heart is loud.

My small group's  discussion topic a few weeks ago was discontentment. One of the questions posed asked us to list everything it would take to make us never be discontent again. The lists were real and honest and included things ranging from endless money, unrestricted travel vouchers, marriage, children and homes that give Pinterest a run for its money.

When I made my personal list earlier that week, I realized it was hard to be honest with myself on that topic, let alone with other people. As I began to write, I saw in front of me all of the things I selfishly want. Things about my future, things about my present, things about my appearance, things about my relationships, and things about my personality. All the categories were covered. And all the things.

And there my list sits in the back of my mind, too often pushing its way to the front, blocking out the things that are right in front of me. I let these things, these wants, and these desires fill my heart. These noisy desires slowly but surely overtake the quiet peace that God places in my heart when I trust in Him.

In the homework for the Bible study for that week, there was a quote that stood out to me.

"Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion, other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter.... A quiet heart is content with what God gives." Elisabeth Elliot

I want that. I want my heart to be quiet in the eyes of the Lord. I want His quiet peace to cover my heart, not the constant pattering of my earthly desires. How do we get there? 

“Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now." Elisabeth Elliot

I seek for this "quiet" in so many places. If I get this...If I reach this point...If I understand this...
The list goes on. The search is loud. It's unsettling. Sometimes it keeps me awake. Sometimes it is all I can hear. It's anything but quiet. Control. Wants. Future. Plans. Lists. Worries. These beats of the heart are constant if not quelled. 

The message at church this morning was on gratefulness. The pastor talked about not letting what we want rob us of what we have and turning every blessing from the Lord back into praise. 

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things..." Psalm 103:2-5

I know a quiet heart can't be found outside of peace, trust, and gratefulness in the Lord. I have done my fair share of looking away from Him. A friend in my small group shared that same week about how she has started practicing thanking the Lord each day in her prayers, for small things and for big things. She challenged me, and I challenge you. 

“The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances." Elisabeth Elliot 

We are given so much, but still we look out for so much more. I know I don't practice gratitude in my prayer life nearly enough. However, when I do to think of all He has given me, the loud desires in my heart become nearly impossible to hear. Those loud thumps are replaced with a quiet peace and trust, an awe of a God who sees me and my mess and still loves me and blesses me each day with more than I could ever need. To have the quiet heart I want, I have to choose it each day. It can't be a one time thing. I have to invite God in and trust Him to place his hand and heart on my life for the day in front of me I am given. He knows what I need and is always more than enough. He knows my past, present and future. He is in control, and I don't have to be. Gratitude...Trust...Peace...the beats of a full and quiet heart. 

Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand,
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by Thy hand 
-Elisabeth Elliot 

Goat calling and surrender.

One of my favorite parts of my job is the people I get to meet. Before we work on a home, we visit the house and part of my job is to find out the homeowner's story.

On this particular day, my coworker and I had already visited 5 different houses. We were driving further north than most people in Tulsa would care to go, and I was honestly ready to go home. I'm so glad I didn't get my wish.

When we drove onto Mr. Eddie's property, we saw a barn, and windmill and a cute little blue and white farmhouse in need of some TLC. Mr. Eddie greeted us at the door with an adorable 86 year old grin and invited us in.

When seeking a story at the homes we visit, sometimes I  get one word answers when I ask people questions, sometimes I learn more information than I want to know, and sometimes people are harder to open up than a stubborn jar of jelly.

Mr Eddie was different though. I walked into his living room, and his house told the story. His walls were covered in photographs, and I hardly knew where to start asking questions. As we moved around the room and I pointed to different photographs, I learned that Mr. Eddie had lived near the Grand Canyon, raised several children, trained horses, and had been a part of a traveling barber shop quartet (they even wore the striped jackets y'all).

There was one photo that stood apart from the others. It was in a large frame on a table next to the couch and pictured a man, woman, and two small children. I asked Mr. Eddie if there was a story behind it. Mr Eddie began to talk to  me about how he had a passion for horses and animals from the time he was a little boy. A family member taught him to train, and he eventually inherited and was able to purchase several horses of his own as a young adult. The horses became a point of attraction for the neighborhood, especially the kids. Mr. Eddie gladly welcomed anyone who knocked at his gate and shared knowledge he had with anyone who wanted to listen.

He told me about one boy in particular who started coming to visit his horses every day. Over time, Mr. Eddie learned that the young man had a very rough home life and came to visit Mr. Eddie's horses to escape his problems at home. Mr. Eddie's "farm" became a safe haven for him, and Mr. Eddie took the boy in like he was his own son. He taught him to train and ride the horses and invited him to his family dinners. He became as much a part of his family as his own blood relatives. Mr. Eddie pointed again at the picture and told me that the young man was full grown and now had a family of his own. He now brings his own children over to visit Mr. Eddie and his horses.

I asked Mr. Eddie if I could go outside to see all of his animals. He caught my attention indoors when he began talking about how at one time he owned 63 chickens, whose eggs he sold for $2 a dozen to pay for their feed. He since has tamed the number down to 6. Anyways, I wanted to get a closer look and maybe a picture of the chickens I could use in telling his story. There was a cow taking a nap I thought I could get a shot of too. Apparently, I set my expectations too low. As I was taking a picture of a single chicken, Mr. Eddie asked my coworker if she wanted to see him call the goats. She said sure and told me that he wanted me to see, too.

The few goats I expected paled in comparison to the image I next captured on my camera. As Mr. Eddie yelled "GOATS", not 3 goats came around the corner, but more of a stampede of farm animals composed of a swarm of goats and chickens followed by a horse.

It was pretty neat, all those animals running in our direction at once. Strange and unexpected, maybe, but definitely neat. When I turned around, Mr. Eddie had the biggest smile on his face. He loved sharing his passion with others. He told us to come back any time to visit him and his little farm.

Mr. Eddie shared his love of horses and farm animals to make a difference in the lives of those placed in his path. Even at 86, he still loved sharing and connecting through a passion he had nearly his whole life. That got me thinking? What gifts, passions, and abilities has the Lord given me that He can use to impact others?

Do I have horses...or a herd of goats? No. I am guessing you probably don't either (if you do, you should invite me over more often). 

Maybe you love to paint or maybe you are a great listener. Some of you are passionate about sports and some love being outdoors. Maybe you thrive behind the scenes and your organization skills could give the Container Store a run for their money. Maybe you could write a book on presidential trivia or maybe you could build me a pottery barn knock off bookshelf (call me).

The gifts and passions that you innately possess aren't an accident. God says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are made to share the love of Christ, and God has made you to reach and connect with people that no one else can. You were made on purpose for a purposeful plan.

I have been reading a book titled, "Anything" by Jennie Allen which talks about being able to pray just that to the Lord and mean it. "Lord, I will do anything." Full surrender is a tough and goes deeper than words that roll off of our tongues. I want my heart to be in a place of surrender where I can pray these words and truly mean them.

I have been learning a lot about myself lately. I've seen sides of myself through attitudes, thoughts and actions that are a far cry from perfect and a far cry from pretty. I have been humbled by recognizing sinful, judgmental and unloving thoughts and actions that are present in my life, and in turn, more than ever, have recognized my daily need for God's grace, forgiveness, and presence in my life to live loving others as He has called me to do.

It's funny that recognizing failures and shortcomings seems to be a crucial step in living a life of abandon for Christ. When I recognize I can't and don't have to do it on my own, that He is there to guide me, a big burden is lifted. I am a person with a sin nature, but because of the saving grace of Christ, I am able to live in the light of Christ instead of the darkness of sin.

The prayer "Lord, anything" would be slightly terrifying and maybe impossible to embrace if we had to do it on our own. God has equipped each of us with the passions, gifts, and abilities with His help to complete what He has and will call us to do.

It can be daunting thinking about the future and what a life of true abandon could look like. Would God call me to take in someone outside my family? Would He call me to move? Would He call me to something I innately fear?

Would He call me out of comfort? Probably. Would He call me to let go of my own plans? Most likely. Will He be with me every step of the way and provide all I need? Definitely.

That's more than enough. More than enough to let go of all uncertainties and live each day trusting Him. 

I pray the Lord gives me and you hearts of abandon. Lord, open our eyes and hearts to see everything you have placed in us and prepare us to say anything to all you lead us to do and to be.