Amidst all of these posts from people I know, I ran across a blog that caught my eye. This blogger in particular challenged readers to choose a "un-word" for 2014. At first glimpse, the word "un-word" made my grammar senses cringe, as do most words that are not found in the Merriam Webster dictionary. After a few seconds, I let that go and kept reading. She challenged her readers to choose something they would not do...something they would not be any longer. She then wanted all those who participated to "link up" their blog post to hers all on the same particular day. I am not sure what exactly a "link up" is, and the day she mentioned most certainly has passed, but the thought of an "un-word" has not left my mind.
It only took me a few seconds to know what I need to let go of this year. I need to stop saying yes. At least saying yes to everything.
"Un-yes" is too far of a cry from a real word so I began my search for a comparable "un-word" to ascribe.
"Un-divided" made me think of the pledge of allegiance. Agreeable and pleasant popped into my head, but if I told you I plan on being "un-agreeable" and "un-pleasant" in 2014, I might send everyone I care about running for the hills. After placing "un-" in front of a slew of words that made me sound like an angry, apathetic, or heartless person, I found my un-word.
{Un-stretched}
I have always been a "busy" person. I love people, conversations, and learning new things. With that in mind, saying "yes" is usually an immediate reaction. Looking back on the past couple of years, I can think of countless times I could look over the next couple of weeks on a calendar and see that every night was full. That is great for a season, but for an introvert like me, looking at a schedule like that for an extended period of time is enough to make me want to pull my hair out.
If it is a good thing, I usually say yes. One more volunteer opportunity? Why not? If someone would get upset if I said no, I definitely say yes. If I have an open night, I say yes. If I don't have an excuse I can't say no, can I?
A voice in my head too often tells me, "You are letting people down if you don't do this. You are a bad person if you don't sign up for that opportunity. You can do it all. You can fit one more thing in..."
Life, as it seems to me, is a delicate balance, one I haven't quite mastered yet. I only lasted for a year in gymnastics at the age of 6 (turns out if you can't do a cartwheel that is a red flag). Balance has never been one of my strong points, both on and off of a balance beam. If I am not teetering one way, I seem to be tottering the other, weighted down with the "yes's" of yesterday and the filled blanks on my calendar.
If I could, I would do it all. I would be a for profit blogger, floral enthusiast, book store clerk, calligrapher, librarian, and baker, to name a few. I would be everyone's best friend, fill every night of the week with multiple coffee dates, read every book on the NYT best seller list, and say yes to every volunteer opportunity. I would have two jobs and pay off my car in a year, all the while leaving 2 hours at the end of the day to relax and unwind.
Turns out I don't have the know-how, skill set, or time to do many of those things. Even if I did, that wouldn't be a healthy way to live.
I read a post the other day that said this: "Saying no even though it's hard to do frees me up to say yes to what matters."
Several months ago, my "yes's" hit me like a brick wall. I was feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and stretched. There in front of me was a list of great things I was involved in. The problem, however, was that I felt like I was doing a bunch of things halfway instead of a few things with my whole heart.
I had several conversations with a mentor and
a good friend about what margin looked like, why I didn't have it, and how to find it.
They reminded me that just because something is a good opportunity, it doesn't mean it is necessarily a good opportunity for me. They reminded me that God blesses each of us with talents and abilities to accomplish the specific tasks he places before us. They challenged me to seek God in what those areas were and then cut back on the things that didn't fit that mold and were taking away time from what God really wanted me to be doing.
After lots of prayer, some tears, and several internal battles, I did it. I started to let go. Instead of feeling like a failure, however, I felt a sense of peace. When I let go of some fillers, I began to see God open up doors for opportunities that filled me up instead of drained me. I saw God move in to the space that I wasn't willing to leave open for him before.
In the ever so eloquent words of John Michael Montgomery (can I call a 49 year old country singer eloquent?), life is a dance you learn as you go. Even though I may step on a few feet along the way (both literally and figuratively), I am learning to love the dance that has been placed before me. My steps aren't perfect and sometimes I turn the wrong way, but I am learning that's ok. I'm learning to laugh and learn from my mistakes and accepting that I will make mistakes again.
Three years ago, I learned that I will never know it all, that I will always be seeking and growing in the Lord. Two years ago, I learned to place my trust in God first, not in the physical securities around me. Last year, I learned that God is ever present and provides blessings through the people he places in my life at just the right time.
This year I am learning to say no. I am learning to say no to things that are just fillers. I am seeking to stop saying yes when I don't want to, or even when I just can't. I am learning to say no to that little voice that tells me I need to make everyone happy. I am learning to say no to say no to fear of disappointing others and that tight feeling I get in my chest when I realize I can't add one more thing to my list. I am learning that saying no isn't always bad.
I am learning to say no so I can say yes to Jesus. I am learning listen so I can say yes to the things He calls me to do. I am learning to seek God's voice before I give a yes or no. I'm learning that a little bit of silence and stillness invites God to fill in the blanks in my day.
When I am stretched with things I decide to do on my own, I am forgetting that God wants to help me grow strong in the opportunities he gives me, not stretch me thin.
I can be "un-stretched" because I know that God is bigger than any area, time or space I can seek to fill with doing and stretching on my own. No matter the "un-word" I ascribe to my year, I serve a God who is unchanging. His love is unfathomable and his love for each of us is unending.
